November 2021 – Lisbon, Portugal

I matched with the Laser Lineman on Bumble as my last week in Portugal, and end of the first chapter of my International Tinderella journey, was approaching and on the final day of his short trip to Lisbon.

As soon as he popped up on my phone I knew he was a former football player and swiped right with the quickness … because I have a tendency to like ‘em big and with a few hits to the head (we all have weaknesses).

In 2 of his profile pics he was in full face paint at NFL games and in another he was in a Hawaiian shirt holding a fruity cocktail; in all his pics he had the biggest and most inviting smile. I immediately pinned him as a “good time guy” and was excited when he suggested we get together ASAP because he was leaving back to Georgia (the state, not the country) the next day.

Having been in Lisbon almost 3 months, I was put in charge of picking where we met, but instead sent him 3 places I had on my “want to go” list that I hadn’t been to yet and let him choose. He was excited that one was a non-pretentious oyster bar and immediately picked that one. We set a rough time to meet up after he had dinner with his friends that were leaving that night and he said he would let me know when he was leaving dinner.

Around the time he said he would be done, he FaceTimed me and as soon as I said “hello”, he huffed “f*ck these hills!”. I declared “welcome to Lisbon!” and we both laughed at his plight. He told me he had sweat through his shirt and needed to go change before we were meeting but he wanted to show me the shirt he had originally picked out for our date because he really liked it.

If I was not already smitten kitten, that did it. It WAS a good shirt and the whole exchange was hilarious. I told him I didn’t mind a sweaty shirt, but if he felt more comfortable changing, I was in no rush. He insisted on going to change and said he would uber to the bar so he would be “fresh”. The man clearly valued freshness, so I slapped on an extra layer of deodorant, just in case.

I got to the bar first and secured a couple of seats for us. He came in – in another great shirt – and we immediately hit it off. He was very social and we had great convo with each other, the bartenders, and a couple that sat near us.

He told me that he loved that I offered an oyster bar because it reminded him of his dad and I thought that was so sweet … until he told me his dad was a player and would always take women to dollar oyster bars because they thought oysters were ‘fancy’ but it was really a cheap date that seemed impressive (well played pops, well played).

He mentioned something about work and I asked what he did. This big, goofy, former-jock, who has traveled the US following football teams with is face paints said: I am a laser scientist.

I could not help myself and giggled and said: that is not even a real thing.

Apparently it is… and he is one.

He said: What, your high school guidance counselor didn’t offer you the laser science track?

Sir, I was a home-ec major.

We ended up having such a great time that our “quick drink” turned in to several rounds of cocktails over almost 4 hours. When the bartender said it was last round the Laser Lineman said “shit, what time is it?” It was 2… and his flight was at 6:00 (AYE-EM).

He had not mentioned that his “morning flight” was at the crack of dawn!

He declared he needed to get back to his Airbnb to pack… um, pack?? You have not packed?

I went with him back to his airbnb to “help”.

I would be lying to myself and all of you if I didn’t say I had very alternatives motives, but the second we walked in to the Airbnb I knew nothing other than packing was happening. There was stuff EVERYWHERE. Clothes, shoes, toiletries… just stuff, everywhere.

Picking up the remanence of an explosion was not exactly what I had in mind when I fake offered to help, so my assistance came in the form of pointing to things he missed while sitting on the bed smoking a joint he found in his suitcase from Amsterdam, where he had been before Lisbon.

He did manage to get everything shoved in to his suitcase and backpack with enough time for a quick make out and to get in an uber 2 hours before take off.

I hope he is more precise with those lasers than he is with his packing.