April 2022 – Lisbon, Portugal

I matched with the Bumble Virgin on my first return trip to Lisbon and thought he seemed pretty cool and fun.  He worked at one of the local hostels, had really great hair, and had marijuana… pretty solid trifecta.

We exchanged a few messages and decided to meet up at the rooftop bar of the hostel he worked at. Unfortunately, that ended up being a bust when the person who was supposed to come work the overnight didn’t show up, so we decided to meet on his next day off.

He asked if I wanted to go sit on the beach and watch the sunset with some beers and smoke.  Being a very high class/high standard girl, that is pretty much my dream date.  I agreed to meet him near his place and walk to the beach together.

He wasn’t quite ready when I got there, so I waited a few minutes outside until he came down. Or at least someone who looked enough like his pictures to be him.

Let this be a reminder that it is not only women that are pros at using angles and lighting to present their best side. But also let this be a reminder, that the goal is to eventually meet people in real life and will see what you actually look like.

Now, I didn’t find him entirely unattractive or to be some ogre, but the IRL versus interwebs version was drastically different enough that it actually made him less attractive. He as also considerably shorter than stated, but that is always expected.

In addition to not looking much like his photos, he was extremely awkward, which I assumed was just due to nerves, and was confirmed when he said this was his first Bumble date ever. Though I never know whether or not to trust that, he seemed genuine… in dialogue, if not in appearance.

We headed off to a beach area not too far away and found a spot to sit and talk and wait for the sunset. I hoped that being in a beautiful and chill setting, along with a couple of drinks and the joint he procured would help him relax a bit, but the awkwardness and nerves didn’t seem to fade, even with all these things in place.

I asked him a lot about working in the hostel and he shared some very entertaining stories. This seemed a safe and easy topic and he eased up a bit when talking about it, but anything outside of that felt like an interrogation he was not prepared for.

As I willed the sun to set and the joint to make this less painful, he told me about drunken hostel guests, guest hook ups and dramas, great guests and guests that had to be forcibly removed. I told him about my previous trip to Lisbon and other travels I had been on, and about the one hostel I had stayed at in Tulum.  These seemed like safe, surface topics he could chat about without his hands shaking.

I filled awkward silences with sips of the cider he had brought and as the sun finally set, I said I should probably start heading back home.

Clearly, we were on two VERY different dates, because he took that as in invite to lean in and try to kiss me.

I was so caught off guard, I immediately put my hand up and leaned back.

Yes, my reaction was a bit severe, but I was NOT expecting that. Like, not one iota. 

From where I was sitting, there was zero chemistry: not physical, not emotional, nada. But, from where he was sitting, there must have been because he was expecting my rejection as much I was expecting his forwardness: not at all.

He immediately started profusely apologizing and then self deprecating, saying he was dumb and ugly.  He started saying he never should have “gone on the app” and was going to delete it.

Even more caught off guard by his reaction than the actual attempt, and afraid he was going to take a final walk out to the water, I immediately started attempting damage control and told him I was just really surprised because I had gotten more of a “friend vibe” and didn’t think that he was feeling anything more than either.  I told him I had had a great time and that he was great, but just wasn’t a “romantic” vibe for me and that I was sure there were plenty of great ladies out there for him.

Full on panic rambling trying to hype this crumbling man, who I was fairly certain was about to start crying right then and there.

He said, “I am just going to go” and started walking away with his head down (literally, looking at the ground).  I told him to wait and I would walk with him but he was pretty adamant he wanted to be left alone so I just followed behind him a bit.

As I contemplated asking if I could still have the joint he offered me to take home, or at least the contact info for his hook up… he looked back and then started picking up the pace.  Was this man… running… from me? I half expected him to launch in to a sprint.

Noticing his change of pace and clear discomfort I was still in proximity, I half shouted, “I had a great time! It was nice to meet you!” as I veered off in the direction of the tram home.

As I headed back to my Airbnb, I replayed the entire encounter. Tried to find a moment, signal, word, brushing of hands (that did not happen), or subtle body language that may have given even the slightest hint this date was anything more that awkwardly platonic at best and came up with nothing.

I decided to call it a wash, and let it all go: the odd man, the experience, and the weed.

At least the sunset had been beautiful.

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Oh, you thought that was the end?

Of course it wasn’t, because this is me.

The following day, I received a VERY lengthy text from him. At first, I thought it was going to be me getting cursed out for leading him on or some other foolery my NYC dating trauma … I mean, past… has lead me to expect.

But, no… It was a multi-paragraph text outlining all of his faults and how ugly and worthless he was and apologizing for putting me through having to meet him.

He then went as far as to add screen shots of him deleting his Bumbling profile.

Cue Date Line theme song…

After debating whether to just block and delete or attempt to offer some sort of self esteem boost, I went with the latter and repeated that I thought he was a great guy and there is plenty of potential matches out there for him, it just wasn’t a vibe for me.

Unfortunately, my attempt didn’t go through… since he had already blocked me.

Or deleted WhatsApp, along with his Bumble account.